Mirrors

Question. Do we all like ourselves? Do we love ourselves? If the answer was no to both - or even one of those, maybe it's time to look into fixing that. The first step, I think, is to take a look at ourselves. Step back, and really look at yourself. Think about what kind of person you'd like to be, what things you'd like to do with your life, what you'd like to accomplish, goals, dreams, ideals. We're brought up putting so many of these things aside, and told not to dream because, realistically, it is probably not going to happen. WHAT IS THIS?! Who are these people to tell you what you are and are not capable of? Believe it or not, that is completely for you to decide. We need to just put all of those things out of our heads. Because guess what, anything is possible. All you have to do is believe in yourself, and put in some real effort. The more effort you give, and the more you believe in yourself, the more likely you are to succeed. Also, stop trying to please everyone else. Think about what you want, and go for it. Whatever it is. Just do it for you. Be the people you want to be, for yourself. Do the things you want to do, for yourself. Hold the ideals you want to see, and work toward them, for yourself. We create our own happiness, and it's time to stop putting up all of these borders because of what someone says, or even just the lack of belief in our own self. The time is now. Time to take a good, long look at ourselves in the mirror. Time to start loving ourselves. And, time to start working toward true happiness. The power is in your hands. It's time to take the initiative.

Not So Sure

Today's been rough. Needless to say, I am not doing as well as I was yesterday with this whole "new beginning" thing. Moving forward is turning out to be quite the challenge. My mind is filled with muck, and as much as I try to distract myself - and, OH, I have tried - I just can't get these thoughts out of my head. People would say things like, "It'll get better," and, "Things will look up, just give it time." But I don't want to hear any of that. The way I feel, right now, it doesn't feel like things will get better. I don't want to wait for things to maybe or maybe not get better. I just want to feel better, now. Instead of feeling like my skin is going to turn inside out and my guts are going to explode at any given moment.

Maybe I should try to think of the things I have to be grateful for, and seeing as how Thanksgiving is just around the corner, (and my boy's birthday!) this fits in quite well with the season...

Well, first and foremost, I am thankful for my little man. Nyjah makes my hopes, my dreams, all of my ideals  seem just a little more attainable simply by existing, and being mine. I love this boy more than anything, he's my world.

Of course there are the basics I must mention, a home, a bed, heating/cooling, food, etc.

I am also thankful for my parents, who have helped me so much in the last couple of years, not to mention the things they've done for me all my life, prior to last couple years.

I am very thankful for some of my siblings who have been there when I needed to just talk, or even to be saved. What may have been a simple hand to them, has been critical for me. Certain things have had more impact than I think they realize. I don't know what I would have done without some of them.

I must remark my beautiful nieces and nephews. They've brought me so much joy, watching them grow and learn. And, though I am far away from them now, I think about them daily and can not wait to see them again.

Some others, an Aunt, Uncle, and a few cousins have been very important for me. I lived with them for the majority of my pregnancy, they took me in when I really had nowhere else and loved me. Especially one particular person, my younger cousin has been wonderful. We've been there for each other through everything ever since we got so close while I was living there. I appreciate and love her very much. I will always be someone she can rely on, as I know she will always be the same for me.

I want to mention a family who has been a big part of my life for the last 6-7 months. They accepted me into there family, and have loved my son as if he were their own blood. They supported me. They made me feel welcome, and cared for. They were, in a word, astounding. They were what I'd needed for a while. I love them. And I will be forever grateful to them for everything they did for me.

I feel I should single out one particular person in said family. I'm not naming names, but I need to mention him, individually. Basically, he swept me off my feet. I was smitten, still am. He saved me, in a way. He cared for me in a way that no one ever has, and I needed that. I'm being brought to tears, actually, as I think of how he's affected my life. He's loved my son as his own. He came at the right time so that I wouldn't be alone in this journey that is parenthood. He's helped me see certain things differently. And, because of his strong family values, he strengthened my own. I'm not going to say it was all amazing and that only good came from the time I've spent with him thus far, there's been plenty of bad, but where isn't there any bad? Regardless, all of the good took, and still takes my breath away. He's been a crucial person in my life, and I wish to thank him for all of the good he has done for me.

Last, I would like to mention my few friends that have stood by me. Pregnancy and motherhood have left me rather dry in the friend department. But for the ones who have stayed, they mean a lot to me. They've been great, supported me when I needed it and listened to me complain and vent when I've needed that.

Hm. It's really quite incredible what a list like that can do. I feel a little bit better. I'm sure I'll be back to glum shortly, but for now I'm just glad to have had the chance to have these people in my life.

The list is in no particular order. Those I acknowledged are all more important than they will ever know. But, I hope they know that I am beyond gratified to have had them in my life. We shall see where life takes us from here.

New Beginning

The end has come. And so, a new beginning. I'm not going to say what ended, but I will say that it wasn't completely unanticipated. It's been a long, and crazy, road. Hopefully I have learned more than I feel like I have. I am glad to say that, ultimately, I am coming out today feeling rather new, clean, refreshed. And angry, but I'm working my way around that. I think I am coming out a better person than I was, and more ready to tackle things than I felt I was just a few weeks ago. I'm excited, really. Ready to start filling my brain with all the knowledge I can handle, work on my health, my spirituality, and working toward all of my goals! It's time to focus on myself and my beautiful (almost one-year-old!) boy.

10 months, and counting.

So, three days ago I became the mother of a ten month old. Really? I'm going to have a one year old in two months?! REALLY?! That just doesn't make any sense... The math says it does, but I can't believe it's really been so long. It's been a lot of things, from fun to absolutely irritating. This boy never stops moving, and I love to see him so active and learning all of these new things. Then again, he gets into everything, and eats everything, and I am constantly chasing him everywhere. This is insanity, to put it simply. And, I love it. Absolutely love it. Sometimes I feel like I just need a break, I just want him to sit still so I don't have to chase him and worry about him for just a little while. Then, when it somehow comes to that, it's weird to me and I want things to just go back to normal. I'm often covered in baby food, and always covered in drool. I've become immune to caring about such things. The drool on my skin is as normal for me as the hair on my head. All the caziness is just fine, because it comes hand in hand with the amazingness. All the things that leave me in awe. Like, when he wakes up in the middle of the night and whimpers for a minute until he finds me, then just cuddles up to me and falls right back to sleep. Or, when I get him laughing at something ridiculous, but he just laughs and laughs. Watching him play on his own, making a toy out of anything. Observing him as he learns new things. These all bring me such indescribable joy. All the harder parts become more than worth it. I am so proud to have the privilege of calling myself his mother.

When I feel I can I will be writing more about the things I've been doing, changes I've been making. Big things.

8 weeks, 2 days.

Well, I've now been a mother for two months. And, I LOVE it!
I went into labor on my due date - Tuesday, 23 November 2010 - at around 4 PM. I started feeling some cramps that would just come for about 30 seconds or so, then go away for around ten minutes, and then repeat. Contractions. Things went on this way for a while, just gradually growing in intensity and becoming closer together little by little. At around 1 AM they were about 5 to 7 minutes apart, and definitely stronger. A few were making me feel nauseous. Finally sometime around 2 or 2:30 AM I threw up. I called my mother, who had just gotten into Salt Lake from California, to come get me and take me up to the hospital. So, while waiting for her, suddenly contractions started coming about every 3 minutes, and much stronger to the point that I didn't want to move at all while having one. So, I just worked to hurry and get my things together, with the help of my younger sister, Gabriella, and cousin, Silvia. When my mom got there my contractions had only grown in intensity. We hurried and got in the car; well, I moved as quickly as I could between contractions. Then we took my sister and cousin to my older sister's house, Cristina. When we got there, they both got out to go stay there and be with her kids while she hopped into the car with us to head straight up to the hospital. All the while in the car I was having contractions every 2 to 3 minutes, and any small bumps in the road definitely did me no good. Once we finally got up to the hospital, around 3 AM, and they checked me I was already dilated to a 5 and 100% effaced. They got me into a delivery room and from there I just had about three more hours of labor to the birth of my beautiful boy. It was rough, but manageable. I just remembered to relax as well as I could through each contraction and kept in mind that each one was just bringing my boy closer and closer to me. I did not take the epidural or any pain medicine to get me through it, which had been my plan from the beginning, and I am beyond glad that that's the way I went about it. Once it finally became time to push the contractions just were literally making my body push and I had no choice but to go along with it. Within about 10 or 15 minutes of pushing my son was out and placed right up on me. There are no words for what I felt when I saw him. I had really made this little purple, screaming boy. He was the most incredible creature I'd ever laid eyes on. My mother then cut his umbilical cord and he was placed further up on my chest. Then it was time to birth the placenta, which was a much easier lump of slime to get out of there. And, I was done. It was the hardest thing I've ever done, and I never knew my butt could hurt so much. But, it was all okay, because I had my amazing little boy and was able to touch and see him, at last!
Nyjah Isaiah Baldi was born Wednesday, 24 November 2010, at 5:58 AM. Weighing 6 lbs 14 oz and 18.5 inches long.
Today, he is still just a little guy, working on getting some more of that adorable baby fat. He has beautiful blue eyes, for now, and dark brown hair. He is the best looking thing I've ever seen as well as the cutest, just everything he does is the cutest thing I've ever seen. I have never felt any love or connection like I have with this little boy. I didn't know I could love him much more than when I was growing him in my belly. But, it's happened. He's still inside me even though he isn't really inside me anymore. I could not and will not ever love anything more than this boy.
Being a mother is the greatest thing I have ever done.