Today's been rough. Needless to say, I am not doing as well as I was yesterday with this whole "new beginning" thing. Moving forward is turning out to be quite the challenge. My mind is filled with muck, and as much as I try to distract myself - and, OH, I have tried - I just can't get these thoughts out of my head. People would say things like, "It'll get better," and, "Things will look up, just give it time." But I don't want to hear any of that. The way I feel, right now, it doesn't feel like things will get better. I don't want to wait for things to maybe or maybe not get better. I just want to feel better, now. Instead of feeling like my skin is going to turn inside out and my guts are going to explode at any given moment.
Maybe I should try to think of the things I have to be grateful for, and seeing as how Thanksgiving is just around the corner, (and my boy's birthday!) this fits in quite well with the season...
Well, first and foremost, I am thankful for my little man. Nyjah makes my hopes, my dreams, all of my ideals seem just a little more attainable simply by existing, and being mine. I love this boy more than anything, he's my world.
Of course there are the basics I must mention, a home, a bed, heating/cooling, food, etc.
I am also thankful for my parents, who have helped me so much in the last couple of years, not to mention the things they've done for me all my life, prior to last couple years.
I am very thankful for some of my siblings who have been there when I needed to just talk, or even to be saved. What may have been a simple hand to them, has been critical for me. Certain things have had more impact than I think they realize. I don't know what I would have done without some of them.
I must remark my beautiful nieces and nephews. They've brought me so much joy, watching them grow and learn. And, though I am far away from them now, I think about them daily and can not wait to see them again.
Some others, an Aunt, Uncle, and a few cousins have been very important for me. I lived with them for the majority of my pregnancy, they took me in when I really had nowhere else and loved me. Especially one particular person, my younger cousin has been wonderful. We've been there for each other through everything ever since we got so close while I was living there. I appreciate and love her very much. I will always be someone she can rely on, as I know she will always be the same for me.
I want to mention a family who has been a big part of my life for the last 6-7 months. They accepted me into there family, and have loved my son as if he were their own blood. They supported me. They made me feel welcome, and cared for. They were, in a word, astounding. They were what I'd needed for a while. I love them. And I will be forever grateful to them for everything they did for me.
I feel I should single out one particular person in said family. I'm not naming names, but I need to mention him, individually. Basically, he swept me off my feet. I was smitten, still am. He saved me, in a way. He cared for me in a way that no one ever has, and I needed that. I'm being brought to tears, actually, as I think of how he's affected my life. He's loved my son as his own. He came at the right time so that I wouldn't be alone in this journey that is parenthood. He's helped me see certain things differently. And, because of his strong family values, he strengthened my own. I'm not going to say it was all amazing and that only good came from the time I've spent with him thus far, there's been plenty of bad, but where isn't there any bad? Regardless, all of the good took, and still takes my breath away. He's been a crucial person in my life, and I wish to thank him for all of the good he has done for me.
Last, I would like to mention my few friends that have stood by me. Pregnancy and motherhood have left me rather dry in the friend department. But for the ones who have stayed, they mean a lot to me. They've been great, supported me when I needed it and listened to me complain and vent when I've needed that.
Hm. It's really quite incredible what a list like that can do. I feel a little bit better. I'm sure I'll be back to glum shortly, but for now I'm just glad to have had the chance to have these people in my life.
The list is in no particular order. Those I acknowledged are all more important than they will ever know. But, I hope they know that I am beyond gratified to have had them in my life. We shall see where life takes us from here.
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