New Beginning

The end has come. And so, a new beginning. I'm not going to say what ended, but I will say that it wasn't completely unanticipated. It's been a long, and crazy, road. Hopefully I have learned more than I feel like I have. I am glad to say that, ultimately, I am coming out today feeling rather new, clean, refreshed. And angry, but I'm working my way around that. I think I am coming out a better person than I was, and more ready to tackle things than I felt I was just a few weeks ago. I'm excited, really. Ready to start filling my brain with all the knowledge I can handle, work on my health, my spirituality, and working toward all of my goals! It's time to focus on myself and my beautiful (almost one-year-old!) boy.

10 months, and counting.

So, three days ago I became the mother of a ten month old. Really? I'm going to have a one year old in two months?! REALLY?! That just doesn't make any sense... The math says it does, but I can't believe it's really been so long. It's been a lot of things, from fun to absolutely irritating. This boy never stops moving, and I love to see him so active and learning all of these new things. Then again, he gets into everything, and eats everything, and I am constantly chasing him everywhere. This is insanity, to put it simply. And, I love it. Absolutely love it. Sometimes I feel like I just need a break, I just want him to sit still so I don't have to chase him and worry about him for just a little while. Then, when it somehow comes to that, it's weird to me and I want things to just go back to normal. I'm often covered in baby food, and always covered in drool. I've become immune to caring about such things. The drool on my skin is as normal for me as the hair on my head. All the caziness is just fine, because it comes hand in hand with the amazingness. All the things that leave me in awe. Like, when he wakes up in the middle of the night and whimpers for a minute until he finds me, then just cuddles up to me and falls right back to sleep. Or, when I get him laughing at something ridiculous, but he just laughs and laughs. Watching him play on his own, making a toy out of anything. Observing him as he learns new things. These all bring me such indescribable joy. All the harder parts become more than worth it. I am so proud to have the privilege of calling myself his mother.

When I feel I can I will be writing more about the things I've been doing, changes I've been making. Big things.

8 weeks, 2 days.

Well, I've now been a mother for two months. And, I LOVE it!
I went into labor on my due date - Tuesday, 23 November 2010 - at around 4 PM. I started feeling some cramps that would just come for about 30 seconds or so, then go away for around ten minutes, and then repeat. Contractions. Things went on this way for a while, just gradually growing in intensity and becoming closer together little by little. At around 1 AM they were about 5 to 7 minutes apart, and definitely stronger. A few were making me feel nauseous. Finally sometime around 2 or 2:30 AM I threw up. I called my mother, who had just gotten into Salt Lake from California, to come get me and take me up to the hospital. So, while waiting for her, suddenly contractions started coming about every 3 minutes, and much stronger to the point that I didn't want to move at all while having one. So, I just worked to hurry and get my things together, with the help of my younger sister, Gabriella, and cousin, Silvia. When my mom got there my contractions had only grown in intensity. We hurried and got in the car; well, I moved as quickly as I could between contractions. Then we took my sister and cousin to my older sister's house, Cristina. When we got there, they both got out to go stay there and be with her kids while she hopped into the car with us to head straight up to the hospital. All the while in the car I was having contractions every 2 to 3 minutes, and any small bumps in the road definitely did me no good. Once we finally got up to the hospital, around 3 AM, and they checked me I was already dilated to a 5 and 100% effaced. They got me into a delivery room and from there I just had about three more hours of labor to the birth of my beautiful boy. It was rough, but manageable. I just remembered to relax as well as I could through each contraction and kept in mind that each one was just bringing my boy closer and closer to me. I did not take the epidural or any pain medicine to get me through it, which had been my plan from the beginning, and I am beyond glad that that's the way I went about it. Once it finally became time to push the contractions just were literally making my body push and I had no choice but to go along with it. Within about 10 or 15 minutes of pushing my son was out and placed right up on me. There are no words for what I felt when I saw him. I had really made this little purple, screaming boy. He was the most incredible creature I'd ever laid eyes on. My mother then cut his umbilical cord and he was placed further up on my chest. Then it was time to birth the placenta, which was a much easier lump of slime to get out of there. And, I was done. It was the hardest thing I've ever done, and I never knew my butt could hurt so much. But, it was all okay, because I had my amazing little boy and was able to touch and see him, at last!
Nyjah Isaiah Baldi was born Wednesday, 24 November 2010, at 5:58 AM. Weighing 6 lbs 14 oz and 18.5 inches long.
Today, he is still just a little guy, working on getting some more of that adorable baby fat. He has beautiful blue eyes, for now, and dark brown hair. He is the best looking thing I've ever seen as well as the cutest, just everything he does is the cutest thing I've ever seen. I have never felt any love or connection like I have with this little boy. I didn't know I could love him much more than when I was growing him in my belly. But, it's happened. He's still inside me even though he isn't really inside me anymore. I could not and will not ever love anything more than this boy.
Being a mother is the greatest thing I have ever done.

37 weeks!

Finally 37 weeks and finally considered full-term! Great, now he can come any time and really be able to survive out here. Which is great because I am very ready to get this boy out of here, ready to be a single human being again and not housing another inside. I love my little alien, but I would much rather love him out here than through my stomach. Then again, it is nice knowing he is right there with me and safe all the time. That certainly gives me some peace of mind. But I'm very over the pain every time I sit down, or get up from lying down for a little while or from a night of rest. Ready for the constant pain in my pelvis and ribs to go away. Also just getting very excited for my boy to arrive soon. Glad it's finally November.
So, now I'm just trying to get everything else done and ready for his arrival. Hopefully I can get that all out of the way quickly. I also need to get my bag all packed for the hospital since I will be making my trip there in the next three weeks or so. I'm still figuring out who all I need to call when the day comes, who I actually want to call. Considering making some changes to certain plans, but we'll see how I really feel about those things when the time comes. I'm trying hard not to start stressing too much, or at all. Doing a pretty good job, for the most part. It definitely helps having some certain people around.
I've been becoming a little more upset about changes with my body. More things looking, well, less than ideal lately. I definitely miss my old body, which I was actually quite happy with. I guess this is just one of those things you have to deal with in these situations. And, while it bothers me, I still feel it is more than worth it because now I'm going to have this little boy who's already finally made my life feel like it's worth living. He's my reason. But, I am very ready and excited to get him out and begin my work to getting my body back to how it was, and hopefully even somewhat better than before.
Aside from discomforts and not being so proud of my body these days, I am still very happy. Truly happier than I think I have been in my entire life. And, this time it doesn't feel like I'm just fooling myself, it feels more real than ever. I feel like I'm coming out a real winner. I'm so happy with the way things are going lately. Just about everything in my life seems just right, and the things that really seem just right kind of make up for those other things that don't. I'm really just loving life these days. It's completely indescribable.

32.2

8 weeks away. More or less depending on when he actually decides to get here. I'm becoming increasingly impatient and anxious. I'm just so beyond ready to meet this little person I've been creating. The little alien that never stops moving. The one shoving his elbows and knees out as though he's trying to break through my skin. Plus, as I get closer I get more and more uncomfortable. My entire pelvis, spine, and ribs are constantly aching. If I stand for a little too long my lower back feels like it's about to just shatter. I can't bend over without hurting myself, which has been a problem for the past two months. I also wake up a billion times a night to turn over to the other side since I can only sleep on my sides, and as I get bigger this just becomes that much more of a problem.
Well, I'm finally having my baby shower in just a little over two weeks. Good timing so I can still get whatever else I need afterward and get everything prepared for my little. Any later and I think we would be in a little trouble.
I'm helping myself feel less stressed. Taking my days more in stride. Taking time to enjoy myself. After feeling a bit down for a few weeks I feel like things are really starting to look up again. Aside from the growing discomfort, of course. But, I'm certainly feeling a lot happier. The crazy hormones bringing crazy mood swings have returned with the third trimester; but, I deal. I'm not even exactly sure what's been bringing on these happier feelings - the same things that were bothering me before are still there and still just as bothersome - but, I'm definitely not complaining.
Really, I don't have too much to update, that's about it. I am a little fatter. Everything else is pretty much the same as before. Just getting through the days as I get closer to meeting my baby boy.

30.2

Thursday morning, thirty weeks and two days in to growing this boy. It feels like I have a little alien in there, one who never stops moving. Which, I don't mind one bit. One thing I do mind, is that as the weather is gradually getting a little bit cooler, I am only getting hotter and hotter every day. I'm like a heater, I feel like I'm radiating. I also feel like I'm about to explode out of my skin. I have never been so ready and excited for winter to arrive. I usually dread it, but now I'm practically counting down to it. Maybe then I can finally relax a bit.
I've been becoming increasingly anxious to meet my little man. I seem to daydream a lot lately, daydreaming about life with my son. Being a mom. Things I want to do with him. My anticipation is ever growing. Just about ten more weeks to go, more or less depending on when he decides to make his way out of his current home amongst my guts. Hopefully that day comes quickly.
Throughout this experience I've seemed to grow increasingly attached to my mother - which is difficult because she lives in California while I am over here in Utah. That's probably been one of the hardest things about all of this. I would give anything just to have her with me and be able to have  conversation face to face. Talk to her about my concerns, my excitement, things bothering me, just everything. But, for now I'm glad to know I at least have her support, and her great help whenever I need anything. But anyway, I've also begun to think about while I was in her belly. I wonder how she thought about me, and how much. If she talked to me, sang to me, read to me, or anything like that. I was her fifth, but I wonder if she daydreamed about when I made my way into the world. I compare the things I do and things I think and how I think, and wonder what ways are similar to when she was experiencing what I am now. This just brings up even more things I wish I could sit and talk with her about. But, soon enough - when I move back to California, as I am planning to within months after my boy's birth - I will be able to do these things. So, I just look forward to that.

28.5

Twenty-eight weeks, and five days in. Which converts to, eleven more weeks and two days! While time seems to be passing at a glacial pace, each new week I am in awe at how little time is left. Every day I'm starting to think I grew fatter over night. I have to say, though, even while my stomach becomes more and more rotund with each passing week, I feel more beautiful than ever. I don't get the whole "glowing" thing. In fact, I haven't been too happy at all with my skin since about a month after finding out about this little life growing inside me. On my face it goes back and forth between horrible break outs and then a little bit clearer again, but still with a little acne here and there. And then over my entire body it's just so much more dry. My hair and nails aren't any different, like everyone says they get due to the prenatal vitamins. But, even though I don't have any of those special things other people seem to love about pregnancy, I just feel cute. I even feel like my protruding belly is cute. Even though my belly button looks a bit ridiculous these days; it's laughable, really. I walk with more confidence than ever before. I guess this is also easier with a future that I can actually see a little more clearly now, one that I love. I'm finally not afraid to even think about my future. I'm not afraid of growing up, like I was in the year before I turned eighteen. And, while I always used to say I would have a good future, I feel like now I know - without a doubt - that I will have one. One reason, my first reason, is simply because I will have this little one of mine. Another reason, I finally have the right motivation. I finally have purpose, a reason to actually live this life and really try. Not just to try, but to actually make things happen. I've always been smart, had potential, had hopes and dreams. But, now, I finally feel I can actually turn all those hopes and dreams into my reality. With some effort, of course. But now that I actually have the motivation, I know they are finally within my grasp. I've done a lot of thinking. Made some new life choices. And planned a whole lot. Now, I'm just getting ready. Preparing myself for this ride that is life. And, I can't wait to finally get out there and start really making these things my reality.
But, while I am insanely excited to really get my life going. Our lives going. For now, it's time to start some birthing classes and simply prepare myself for motherhood. As best as I can. Which sounds good to me. For now.